Learning From Lies
     It was straight out of the Celestine Prophecy. One minute, I was nearly asleep in our weekly staff meeting, surrounded by incessant technobabble and acronyms I didn't understand; the next, I was inundated by a strange energy that seemed to pour into me. It was a moment that made me reconsider myself as a piece in this chess-like world we call corporate life.
     To say I've been "making an effort" to fit into this corporate sea I've thrown myself into would be an understatement. I've toiled laborously to adopt an image appropriate for this job. The car, the clothes, the feigned politeness and superfluous interest I've taken in my coworkers are all for the image. At some point, my practiced attempt became habit, and a new persona was born. It's a shoddily crafted mask that almost reminds me of a prop from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre set. Sometimes I feel they can see right through it. I sense it through the gaps in their smiles and in the pauses that follow their questions.
     The meeting began as all meetings do: with coffee and doughnuts. We sat around the conference room table, chit-chatted about the weather and weekend events. This morning, my mask was a collection of actions I had observed other coworkers performing. I took a doughnut. Crossed my legs. I ate with a strained look of indifference on my face, and yawned when I was finished. I re-crossed my legs. Sleepily, I gazed out the windows. The sleepiness wasn't pretend.
     Updates and plans for the week oozed by like a river of gravy. In an attempt to keep myself awake, I performed the same routine of memorized actions in random order, inserting nods and thoughtful facial expressions at appropriate times. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I was at a point where it would have been safe to declare me medically braindead. Somehow, a few words slipped by my conscious and he masked persona suddenly rared to life.
     "Why don't we just go to the post office and tell them to print us a batch Code-93 labels?"
     I blinked. Did those words just come out of my mouth? A sudden swell of laughter erupted about the room, loud and spontaneous. It continued, too, as though I had just uttered the epitome of hilarity. I quickly decided they weren't laughing at me, but rather at what I said, and yet I couldn't figure out why it was so funny. Was my corporate personality trying to be funny, or was it an honest question? I didn't know.
     The remarkable part of the event wasn't the reflex response, or the immaculate timing; it was the strange swell of energy I suddenly experienced. It poured from their laughing mouthes into my head and filled my sinuses, gushed down into my chest and torso. It wasn't a swell of pride or satisfaction, as you might theorize, for I had no expectations or plans to be proud or satisfied of. It was a completely random remark that brought the entire room's attention on me -- something that would normally freak the hell out of me -- and the experience left me breathless.
     I have often thought back to my reading of The Celestine Prophecy, back in high school. It was a book that I always discounted as bizarre and rather silly. However, to my suprise, I started to consider the ideas it presented. Before my quip, I was drained, mentally and physically, trying to focus my attention on everyone else in the room. As soon as the attention shifted, I felt a physical surge of alertness and energy.
     To many, this may seem like another fantastic daydream of mine. But what if believing in such fantastic ideas is what helps us through difficult times? The stories of religion and children's fairy tales come to mind. Perhaps the reason my mind is even considering a supernatural explanation is because it needs fodder to survive in this creatively desolate place. In any case, the event made me rethink my plans to scrap the corporate path. I might just be able to do this. Granted, I don't like the idea of putting on face to succeed, but if I remain objective, perhaps I can learn a few things from this new persona.

Replies: 5 comments

I never got around to reading The Celestine Prophecy, which may be why your entry left me confused. Are you saying, basically, that you felt as if you had somehow "sucked" the energy out of the attention you received from the others?
That surge of energy you felt might have been your "fight or flight" response in action.
In situations where people suddenly feel emotionally aroused in a threatening manner (such as fear, embarrassment, or in your case, maybe a sudden jolt of social anxiety), your body in turn releases massive stores of adrenaline throughout yor body. I'm sure you've heard of this before, but never equated it to social situations. This is why your heart beats faster during stage fright.
Anyway, adrenaline does the same thing that crystal meth or coke does to your body and brain- it activates all your systems as if your life depended on it.
The problem with drugs is that to compensate for this increase in stimulation, your body will make less of it's natural stimulants (such as adrenaline) and you need drugs just to feel "normal."
Which, incidentally, is what happens to yuor body and brain when you drink caffeine for long sustained periods of time (albeit, on a much smaller scale)- sure, caffeine stimulates you nicely the first few weeks, but then your body will actually depress itself when it knows it's gonna get coffee, or will actually stay depressed all day long, leaving you groggy and disconnected.
So maybe this little incident has some connection to your sudden love for caffeine, buddy- it took some social anxiety for your body to wake up from it's physical stupor :)
ps. Sade is really awesome! The more I listen to her sultry voice, the more her music really effects me... I actually cried to the slavery song the other day... I'm a bit embarrassed :)
what's your favorite song?

Posted by emmanuel @ 04/09/2001 08:25 PM MST

That would make complete sense, Em (As I sit here sipping my newly-ritualized mocha) -- it could be the effects of the caffeine. I'm sure everyone has had an experience like this on some level, although it was just so profoundly physical, I had to write about it. As for Sade (love her), I'd have to say my favorite song is By Your Side, which also made me cry the first time I heard it. It's such a great love song; not necessarily romantic love, but just love. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff.

Posted by Chris @ 04/10/2001 10:08 AM MST

I can't speak for the sudden surge in energy, but I can say that I understand what you mean about these hokey-seeming spiritual new-age beliefs often giving you a new perspective.

I was feeling really trapped for a while, and I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the Tao of Pooh during that time. Somehow it freed me up a little. Gave me a little space in which I could think outside the box.

I dunno, but does Corporate-life stick you in that box? I respect anybody who can go into the Playdough Fun Factory that we call the business world and still come out with some semblance of their identity.

We all spend so much of our time hiding who we are... it's hard when you have to make a living off of it.

Posted by Steve @ 04/10/2001 05:50 PM MST

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow /
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man /
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only /
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats, /
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief, /

Posted by Cale @ 04/10/2001 07:46 PM MST

My experience through the corporate world has been pretty good. If you catch on quickly, you find that the game is pretty easy to play. Sometimes the bureaucracy gets frustrating. But when you learn the workarounds, life gets very easy. I guess it depends on how deep you wish to go (how high you wish to climb the corporate ladder). Right now I'm in a design studio that sometimes tries to act like a corporation. It gets a bit tiring. Maybe there's no relief but to find the humor in it all.

Posted by John Q @ 04/10/2001 10:00 PM MST

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