You'd think after breaking up with someone and not talking to them for two weeks (two and a half, actually), I would be okay after calling them. It was good to hear his voice. He was in that sweet, somnolent, melancholy mood ? not unlike a good-looking shirt or hairstyle ? that I had always loved him in.

Secretly, part of me wanted him to be mean, upset, distant, or even slightly cool to me, but he was none of those things so now I'm left trembling. Blaming it on the coffee won't help any. I've got to identify this feeling inside of me, the root of this weed.

It's not nervousness, although it feels the same. Okay, well, maybe it is a bit of anxiety, tossed in with a few other emotions. But anxiety over what? Over what he might say to me, what he was thinking? A bit nervous that I might be stirring up a nest of snakes?

I just feel bad. And I shouldn't. Because everything turned out the way it was supposed to ? better than it was supposed to ? and I know deep down that it was the right decision. Why do I feel so bad?

One of the thoughts that keeps drifting back and forth in front of this question says, "Why ask why?" Just accept it. The thing of it is, I need to figure this out, because I don't want to feel this way again. I need to know what it is, how I planted it, and what's feeding it.

Well, right now, it's time to feed myself. My stomach is growling. Maybe that's why I'm trembling... it's always easier to blame your problems on external sources rather than internal.

Older Entries