Then again, sometimes I wonder if that love for independence is detrimental to my future relationships. Will I be less likely to work something out with a boyfriend if I would rather be on my own anyway? Will I not value the time we spend together as much as the time I spend by myself? Questions to definitely keep in mind.

I still have so much to do and discover about myself. I need to get myself on my own two feet before I can offer anything of substantial value to a potential boyfriend. In my earlier college days, I had assumed that my "cocooning" phase, as I liked to call it, would only last until I graduated with my bachelor's, but now I'm realizing that I could stay in this phase and grow and grow and never come out.

I suppose I should draw the line at some point, but now is definitely not the time.

So, ultimately, my intense schedule of late is due primarily to the break up with Jeff. Not that I need to preoccupy myself, but it is more of an opening of floodgates that had been closed to make room for quality time. The activities I had been holding back ? working out at the gym, taking random classes here and there, reading, playing my PS2, writing ? are now being released in a tidal wave of recurrence.

It feels good to get myself back. I'll know when I have the right relationship when I can incorporate a man into my life without having to sacrifice those things that I enjoy doing on my own.

It was rocky the first week that Jeff made the break. Since Key West, the breakup has gone much smoother. So much so, I'm afraid there's something Jeff's not telling me, or that maybe I'm not seeing. We've had our tiffs over the past couple of months, but overall, we still get along famously and adore each other to no end. I believe this is the reason that he wants to made amends.

Despite our reputation and his conviction, there is no doubt in my mind that Jeff is not the right person for me. There is some connection that's missing, be it emotional or intellectual or simply in the way we view the world. Perhaps it's my immaturity in relationships, gay culture, and the world around me. Tonight, we are going to meet to discuss the future of our relationship, and I am planning on telling him this. I love him, but I can't continue a relationship with him. Not right now.

It scares me because I risk regretting this decision later on down the road. Jeff is offering me all I've ever wanted: telling me that he has a firm sense of commitment to our relationship, wants things to work, believes that I'm "the one for him," and that even if things don't work out, he will value the time we spent together and our friendship. And here I am preparing declinations and rejections in my head.

There is only my gut that is telling me this is the right decision ? for both of us. I can't recall a time when my instincts have been wrong about a situation, although I can remember several where my so-called "logical thinking" fubar'ed a potentially good situation. John Palmer once said that so many fuck-ups in life can be avoided if we'd stop leading with our heads and started listening to our gut instincts.

I'm going to follow this one.

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