"Today was eventful, to say the least. So many colors, feelings, highs and lows. We hiked to a rock climbing spot this morning and spent the better part of the day there, climbing and just enjoying the view.
     "Erin and I spent a lot of time together. We are at a similar climbing level, skill-wise and climbed a route which resulted in a very nerve-wracking chain of events.
     "Erin was belaying Gene and I was maintaining the rope on backup belay when he stepped on a boulder. It came loose and fell. At least half a ton, it began a horrible descent whose path appeared to lead straight to Erin's head. The sound it made as it fell ? a dull, loud pop on each contact with the rock face ? still echoes in my head.
     "As frightened as I was for Erin, I turned and ran, dropping the rope, and watched as the boulder broke into two smaller pieces and continued to chase me down the hillside.
     "Somehow, Erin managed to hold onto Gene's rope, swinging under a rock overhang to protect herself. I felt rather lousy after the dust had settled since everyone was okay and I had bolted, thinking only of my own safety.
     "Despite that unsettling string of events, I managed to climb the route ? which was difficult, being rated a 5-10 ? and that was a huge accomplishment for me since I have never climbed outside before. It made up for the shame I had felt earlier.
     "Hiking from the climb site was relatively easy. I led the way through a rather marshy valley to a point below Rival Pass, which we're hiking tomorrow. Here, we set up camp.
     "The pass looks daunting, and the only thing keeping my mind quiet is knowing I've already done much harder climbs. I think that's one of the things I'll really take away from this trip: the idea that I really can do anything despite my mind telling my body it can't. It's such an empowering thought.
     "So, here I am, keeping myself from drifting into much-needed sleep to journal, but also to write about one specific thing: Jeff.
     "I cannot stop thinking about him. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, what outrageous plans he's making... I miss him so much.
     "I haven't really been able to sort out my feelings for him like I had hoped to. At times, I feel only an overwhelming sense of love for him, love for what he wants to be and see and do, love for the person he is, love for what he believes and feels.
     "Othertimes, I feel uneasy and afraid, as thought it's not real and will disappear at a moment's notice. I wonder if I truly know him as well as I think I do when I hear the stories David tells me. I don't want to hear them, but at the same time, I listen because it is a link to him and I feel so... not exactly empty... but as though something's missing without him.
     "David's knowing Jeff is such a relief. Even talking about Jeff with complete strangers is comforting and affirming. It is my connection to him.
     "Where will all these roads lead, and will they ever converge? I keep hoping, quietly, that I'll know in time.
     "I still feel so torn between opposite forces and choices. Hopefully, I'll be able to work some of this confusion out here."

Do not pray for easy times; pray to be a stronger person. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.
?J.F. Kennedy

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