Voices from the past and present ? no doubt the future as well ? lay waiting on my answering machine. Josh had called from New York to touch base. I jotted his number down on a paper napkin and skipped to the next. Yes, it's Jeff calling to say he misses me and is thinking of me and can't wait until I get back and...

I skip to the next message. Weekly logistics from various coworkers and life enhancement agencies, as I like to call them. Marketers in convenience, more appropriately. I fumble downstairs to my bedroom and check my email where more marketing awaits, and figure there will come a time when privacy will be the most valued commodity. The delete key on my keyboard is looking pretty worn.

I pass the evening blindly. The tasks I use to prepare for the week are ways of dividing my attention to reduce the amount of runabout in my head ? spirals of thought that lead nowhere but down. I question my stance with friends, with people, with myself. What do I want? It seemed so clear to me, not even six months ago. Now, I struggle with the very bases of my identity.

Uncertainty will always be a mainstay in my life. It will always be present. The few things that are absolute are few and far between and seem to have all occurred when I was under the age of ten. I long, in a way, for those days but dismiss that desire at the same time for I know those times bring a necessary ignorance. Uncertainty still remains regarding whether I'd rather choose blissful ignorance over the dry-heat desert of Truth.

Finding him a new home wasn't entirely my decision, but was one I made concrete. The deciding factor was the coincidental discovery of a canine utopia with a built-in girlfriend ? 20-acres of farmland in Illinois owned by a woman who has a 1-year old female Akita.

I'm saddened I wasn't able to provide him a better home. I know that ultimately I would have been able to take better care of him than I can now, but in the meantime, I found it grossly unfair to keep him confined to a kennel day-in and day-out.

For once in my life, I feel I have rightly put the welfare of another before my own selfish wants. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel a little guilty ? a little humiliated ? that I didn't anticipate this situation to begin with.

I am a different person than I was six months ago when I first found Sumo. I recognize this in my changing beliefs, the company I keep, the way I spend my time and perform everyday activities.

Change is good, but continually improving one's situation oftentimes requires the uprooting of the innermost vines that have grown out of love. Love itself may last forever, but the products of love are in constant motion and states of existence.

So much has happened over the past week, and I feel I need to be recording now. Something is happening. Things are changing all around me, subtly and on grand scales. This outlet has become bland. I need something new and clean. I need a redesign.

     "Today was eventful, to say the least. So many colors, feelings, highs and lows. We hiked to a rock climbing spot this morning and spent the better part of the day there, climbing and just enjoying the view.
     "Erin and I spent a lot of time together. We are at a similar climbing level, skill-wise and climbed a route which resulted in a very nerve-wracking chain of events.
     "Erin was belaying Gene and I was maintaining the rope on backup belay when he stepped on a boulder. It came loose and fell. At least half a ton, it began a horrible descent whose path appeared to lead straight to Erin's head. The sound it made as it fell ? a dull, loud pop on each contact with the rock face ? still echoes in my head.
     "As frightened as I was for Erin, I turned and ran, dropping the rope, and watched as the boulder broke into two smaller pieces and continued to chase me down the hillside.
     "Somehow, Erin managed to hold onto Gene's rope, swinging under a rock overhang to protect herself. I felt rather lousy after the dust had settled since everyone was okay and I had bolted, thinking only of my own safety.
     "Despite that unsettling string of events, I managed to climb the route ? which was difficult, being rated a 5-10 ? and that was a huge accomplishment for me since I have never climbed outside before. It made up for the shame I had felt earlier.
     "Hiking from the climb site was relatively easy. I led the way through a rather marshy valley to a point below Rival Pass, which we're hiking tomorrow. Here, we set up camp.
     "The pass looks daunting, and the only thing keeping my mind quiet is knowing I've already done much harder climbs. I think that's one of the things I'll really take away from this trip: the idea that I really can do anything despite my mind telling my body it can't. It's such an empowering thought.
     "So, here I am, keeping myself from drifting into much-needed sleep to journal, but also to write about one specific thing: Jeff.
     "I cannot stop thinking about him. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, what outrageous plans he's making... I miss him so much.
     "I haven't really been able to sort out my feelings for him like I had hoped to. At times, I feel only an overwhelming sense of love for him, love for what he wants to be and see and do, love for the person he is, love for what he believes and feels.
     "Othertimes, I feel uneasy and afraid, as thought it's not real and will disappear at a moment's notice. I wonder if I truly know him as well as I think I do when I hear the stories David tells me. I don't want to hear them, but at the same time, I listen because it is a link to him and I feel so... not exactly empty... but as though something's missing without him.
     "David's knowing Jeff is such a relief. Even talking about Jeff with complete strangers is comforting and affirming. It is my connection to him.
     "Where will all these roads lead, and will they ever converge? I keep hoping, quietly, that I'll know in time.
     "I still feel so torn between opposite forces and choices. Hopefully, I'll be able to work some of this confusion out here."

Do not pray for easy times; pray to be a stronger person. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.
?J.F. Kennedy

     "I am truly exhausted. So much so, I nearly didn't write. We left the trail midday, yesterday, and have been forging out own across the Continental Divide and down through various valleys. The higher elevations are cold and windy, but devoid of mosquitos and get sun first in the morning.
     "Lower elevations are comfortable, but we are being eaten alive by mosquitos. We are still above 10,000 feet, so the nights are still chilly.
     "Each day, the views grow more spectacular. I don't want to take this for granted, but I am so tired and sore that I can barely keep my sense of humor, let alone my interest in our surroundings.
     "Fortunately, David and Risa and Erin have been keeping me in high spirits.
     "At one peak, we stopped to collect a rock that 'resonated' with us. I found two, a quartz rock and a hematite rock that Erin gave me. We ascribed a quality or aspect of ourselves to the rock that we would like to let go of, and pitched it off the side of the peak.
     "I couldn't think of anything, but figured I'd throw it anyway and decide later."

The problems we experience are not so much to do with who we are as to holding back who we really are.
?Albert Einsten

     "I relaxed my shoulders and realized that everything would be okay."
---

     "God. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. We found a great campsite at about 12,000 feet and the view is incredible. We're surrounded by 3, 14'ers and valleys and lakes, just ate, and are enjoying the view.
     "These people are great. I'm going to have to remember to give Matt hell for bailing out at the last minute.
     "I travel to a point outside of camp. My back is weary, my feet hurt, and the skin is peeling away from my fingers. I find a soft spot in the grass to sit, and listen to the stream rejoice in its inevitable journey to the ocean.
     "Where is my life going? I feel as though I'm standing before a massive void where any number of possibilities can materialize. I know it's all dictated by me ? my choices.
     "That kind of pressure scares me because I'm such a perfectionist. I want things to turn out the best way possible, and I'm so torn between idealism and practicality. God, it seems as though I've written that so many times before. At some point, I'm going to have to choose a side.
     "The view in front of me seems to reflect my position in life: a stream runs down the hill to my right and collects in a small ravine below me. At one point, it splits and runs around a hill where it pools into a small lake to the left. On the other side of the hill, it continues down the mountainside.
     "The left lake, although stagnant, is serene and beautifully clear. It reflects the sky, the mountains, the plants and rocks. It is peaceful.
     "The stream is jubilant and fast. It runs over the edge of a cliff below me, unaware of the risk of falling. It flows west, and as we are on the Continental Divide, it will eventually join the Atlantic ocean.
     "David is washing his face in it at the moment. Alas, he wants to play cards, so I'll write more later."

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become.
?Buddha

Go my students, burn your books, buy yourselves stout shoes. Get away to the mountains, the deserts and the deepest recesses of the earth. In this way and no other will you gain a true knowledge of things and their properties.
?Peter Severinus, 1571 A.D.

     "It's so amazing out here. As much as I hate starting out this journal with such a banal description, I honestly can't find uncliché words to explain the emotions that my surroundings evoke. It's beautiful, calm, quiet, awesome.
     "We hiked Delaney Gulch in the Collegiate Mountains this afternoon after a morning of prep and packing. The camp site is on a mountainside near the creek we followed up. Four hours of carrying a 60-pound pack. Hard, but definitely worth it.
     "We met at Manhattan Bagel this morning at 6 a.m. ? Erin, Paige, and Dustin. Erin is great. We hit it off right away, and Paige and Dustin both seem pretty nice as well.
     "We made it to base camp near Leadville, CO at exactly 10 a.m. and proceeded to get acquainted and pack. Lots of interesting people. David (who knows Jeff), Heather, John, Risa, Vicky (who's a guy and his real name is Chris, but he's a transexual, pre-op), Dustin, Paige, Erin, Gene, Peter, KP (Kirsten), and Linda.
     "David and I ended up talking at one point during packing and it turns out that he recognized me, originally wondering if I was John's old roommate. He elaborated saying that John dated a guy named Jeff, and I said I did know them.
     "Without my saying anything further, David went on to say things about how Jeff has dated many guys, at which point I told him Jeff and I are dating. He was naturally embarrassed and apologized, but the entire hike's conversation revolved around Jeff and guys he's dated, things he's known for, etc. The whole idea of 'planting seeds' came to mind.
     "I started getting a little down on myself as David continued to talk about the countless "beautiful men" Jeff has dated who were not only gorgeous, but nice.
     "I came to get away from that, the whole insecurity issue, so that I could re-center myself out here. I can't help but wish, however, that Jeff was out here with me. I hope he knows I'm thinking of him and miss him quite a bit.
     "Dinner tonight went smoothly. Pasta with carrots and pesto. The guides cooked while we got our packs unloaded, which was quite a chore.
     "The sun slowly set out of sight, behind the peaks to our left and we wound down the night with a group talk around the dying stoves.
     "We discussed what each of us felt a high point and a low point of the day was. Mine were negligable, but Vicky said her high point was when someone offered to help her with something. Earlier, I had offered to help her put her pack on, and hearing that really made my night.
     "Well, time to sleep. The stars are beckoning."

On the mountains of truth, you never climb in vain. You either reach a higher step today or you exercise your strength in order to climb higher tomorrow.
?Nietzche

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