| Journal & Weblog | Write to Save Your Life | August 24, 2003 |
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posted Wednesday, June 20, 2001 Humanity as Course Whether by nature or sheer force of habit, I am a private individual ? a loner. I don't enjoy getting lost in large masses of people (thus my abhorration to malls, clubs, and Krispy Kreme), and would much rather spend time at home by myself or with a small group of friends. The other day, however, I found myself navigating a volitile path through seas of people at a local bazaar when I was suddenly overcome by an engulfing sense of wonder and awe. It caught me off-guard, so much so, that I stopped in my tracks. A realization soon came to me. I understood that the feeling welling up in my chest was a profound sense of love ? love for everyone and everything around me. I looked around in amazement at people walking by, people doing things, people going places, and interacting. I stopped to just observe a scene that would normally be considered everyday banality. I watched people. They were consumed by their lives, by their activities, and I basked in the productivity and collaboration that was taking place here and everyday. It was a feeling that was so satisfying and fulfilling, just to see humanity at an operational level. I wondered how I had overlooked this so many times before, and whether I would be able to recapture this overwhelming, wonderful feeling again. I smiled to myself and took off through the crowd that swallowed me whole.
Bridges If you drive north on the local interstate from my town, eventually you'd cruise under a newly built bridge. It's impressively large, spanning across a river, a frontage road, and the highway in one graceful sweep. It's almost done being built. Where the bridge crosses the interstate, there's a fence standing guard along the edges. It's tall, so people have difficult access to the speeding traffic below. Jumpers or stray rocks would have to climb at least eight feet to cause major catastrophe. Letting your eyes be seduced by the gentle arc of the bridge, they'd wander lazily to the west, following it across the ravine and river. There is no fence guarding the edges on this side of the bridge. It's curious, at least, that planners would protect speeding traffic on the highway, but not a jumper or the water and wildlife below. Had they merely overlooked the fence, thinking no one would jump? Or was it too expensive to include an extra 100 yards of fencing? In my mind, I kept hearing the city planner's voice in the back of my head: "At least she jumped over the river. Can you imagine what a mess it would've caused if she had jumped over the interstate? Good thing we put those fences in."
Current Life Soundtrack In an act that was both symbollic and practical, I deleted my account from Blogger, closing a year-long chapter in my life of weblogging, friends, and writing. I was sure to print out every post I had made and have it bundled in a safe package in my closet at home. It will be fun to peruse them in twenty years or so. Looking for a house has taken up the better part of my weeks lately, next to spending time with Jeff. It's tough because buying a house is a big leap. I'm convinced that getting into the market is a good idea, however, and know I'll have to bite the bullet at some point if I ever plan on getting into a house, period. Driving back and forth between Denver and Colorado Springs has kept me in the car for a greater part of the week. My drives are really the only time I have to listen to music, which has always played an integral part in my life. I love adding and attributing specific music to certain periods of my life, because I can always pop in a CD and be instantly transported back to that time. I've selected a few albums to compliment the recent uncertainty and calm my anxieties:
The summer has filled up unbelievably fast. I had figured that once I graduated college, I'd have more free time than I knew what to do with. Not true. I'm running around, quite honestly, like headless poultry. Most of these plans are with Jeff. This weekend, we are camping. Next weekend is Pride in Denver. The following week is Outward Bound. The week after that is soccer tournaments. The week after that is road trip to Iowa and Missouri to meet Jeff's parents. Whew... This is what I asked for. This is what I've wanted all along. I just wish I could slow down and enjoy it, make it last. Perhaps if I tend more to this journal, I'll be able to enjoy these days later on down the road. Well, gotta go. I have to grab some last minute camping gear for this weekend.
After the Rain "It's beautiful." The words, birthed from his lips, grew fleshy coveryings and fluttered into the branches above. We stood under a great, dripping canopy. Pulling the hoods of our ponchos off our heads, we looked up. The light filtering through the leaves and vines was impossibly green, brilliant. His damp hands were equally beautiful. Stepping ahead into the marshy undergrowth, I gently pulled him along, our arms a teather. We stepped slowly, in sync, out of sync, and matched pace again, all the while stirring up the ancient smells of the forrest. The freshly disturbed ground offered up an intoxicating scent of dirt and secrets. Eventually, the dewy forest broke over a rocky cliff that hung from unseen strands of sky. Horizon to horizon, lakes and forest and plains and clouds stretched under us. I sat on an outcropping that pleaded for company and, taking my lead, he sat next to me, silently drawing his knees under his chin. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in the world.
Velocitous I cannot stress enough how fast time has gone by these past few weeks. Jeff has given great, feathered wings to my watch and calendar; they pull me, breathless, behind them in a cloud of dust and paper and feathers. I anticipate the weekdays only for the moments of silence that allow me to catch my breath and write and exercise and meditate, but not without the blue longing for weekend flights. I wanted to capture every moment on paper or film, but the amount of writing would be immense and, more importantly, unpractical. All I can do is hope that my memory serves me well. The amount of information that has been amassed over these past 3 weeks could fill an entire set of encyclopedias. It is amazing how much you learn about someone you really like in such a short amount of time. Perhaps I'll post a picture of Jeff sometime. It would be worth more than my words could establish in this small space. I wish there was a way I could convey to you the beauty and wonder his presence has stirred in my life. Perhaps when I have more time, I'll try.
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