My boyfriend, Kurt, called last night. This is a guy that wouldn't even respond to my emails a little over a month ago and is now calling practically every night. Throw in the previous night's encounter with Jay and you have one confused puppy. It's always been this way, there are no in-betweens; I'm either forced to choose between multiple guys or there are none.

So, with today as the beginning, I'm starting the Test. It will be quick and painless. I will stick with my decision. I'm hoping that sharing this decision will force me to make good on it, as my fickleness feigns fortitude forthright.

"Youlookgreat," he slurred. I thanked him with another hug and that's when I saw the boy out of the corner of my eye, drifting lazily behind Thomas. "This is my friend Jay." He grabbed my hand and put it in Jay's.

"Yeah, we've already met before," Jay said, shooting me a smile. And we had. About six months ago. I told him how cute he was and never got the chance to get his number before leaving and hadn't seen him until tonight.

"Yeah, I thought you looked familiar," I said, shaking his hand firmly. We danced together and soon they disappeared into the crowd. I wanted to follow them, to talk to Jay, to see if I was dreaming or if he really was as cute as I remembered. I have a boyfriend, echoed the familiar voice of conscience in my head. Don't do it. Forget about it.

So, I danced alone, with my friends. The night wore on and I made my way through the bar when that familiar hand slipped around my waist again. It was Thomas.

"Youlooksogood," he slurred. He had obviously had more to drink since I first saw him and he was holding onto me for balance. I thought I would take the chance.

"Are you and Jay seeing each other?" I asked.

"No! No, I'm totally single," he said enthusiastically, flashing me that toothy grin again and squeezing my shoulder.

"I was wondering because I think Jay is really cute and was wondering if I should say anything to him." I removed his hand.

"Oh!" Thomas exlaimed, "Right on! Go for it, he's a great guy."

"Cool," I said. "I mean, I talked to him six months ago, but it never went anywhere."

"Things with Jay never go anywhere. He's really shy," Thomas said between dunks of a Corona. "You're gonna have to push it if you want it to go anywhere."

"Thanks, Thomas." I walked back onto the dancefloor and rejoined the group. Jay was in his own clique dancing away. He looked great in his green Abercrombie shirt, tucked into khaki's, bottomed out with leather hushpuppies. He had sideburns too, which was a change since six months ago. God, I wanted to talk to him, but I hesitated each time. What if he avoided me six months ago for a reason? I decided to risk it.

"Hey, I never got your number the last time we talked," I said to him, coming up from behind. He turned and smiled with a how-you-doin.

"Yeah, I'll have to give it to you before I leave tonight," he replied. We danced together for a short time and eventually made our way out to the patio where we stood in 30-degree weather making small talk.

"I have to be honest," he said. He looked me straight in the eye. "I have a boyfriend. He moved to Austira for a year, though, so I'm not sure where things stand between us. I just wanted to be upfront about that." I chuckled.

"Well, since you're being honest," I said, smirking, "so do I."

"You're just as bad as I am." He laughed.

"Yeah, I figured, since you were being honest, I should be too." I crossed my arms. I told him about Kurt and our situation. We agreed to hang out sometime during the later and talk about our 'situations' further.

Before he left, I told him I'd call him. He responded with a "definitely" and took off without even a glance in my direction.

A million thoughts ran through my head. I wondered if I did the right thing. I wonder if this is considered cheating. I've never cheated on anyone before. I don't plan on doing it, either. We hadn't done anything wrong, so I decided I would wait it out and see where things go. The night ended on a good note as I said goodbye to my friends and went home alone. Why can't these things be easier? I asked myself.

Alana Davis' voice echoed a soft reply in my head: Don't ask for the world on a plate... cause you just might get it.

I was considering bringing my webcam so I could get a live feed with the T1 line we have. It wouldn't be as interesting as the stills I've been taking lately, but it would allow me to truly make the transition from a web presence to a web exhibitionist. Wait. Is that what I'm really aiming for here? I can't remember.

Have you ever cried at work? Everyone was crying today in my office, even some of the guys. I didn't cry. I'm a tough guy. But anyways, the reason everyone was bawling like little babies is because my manager turned in her resignation and left today. It was quite a shock because everyone believed she would be sticking around, not to mention she was the best boss this department's had for years. Maybe this is a good thing, though. Not only for her, but it leaves an opening for the new manager that will look like Jan-Michael Gambill.

As for me, I'm pretty much cemented into my position here for another two to three years. Did I mention I got new business cards? The coloring is Bone. And the lettering is something called Silian Grail.

Sorry I've neglected you, echoes the apology in my head. I should confess, I'm a fickle boy. It's surprising I've managed to maintain this site as long as I have considering my lackluster track record of committing to activities. Can I blame my fear of committment on being a Sagittarius or is it because I'm a guy? And now, I'm maintaining a blog and some semblance of a relationship. Maybe I'm finally growing up.

Do you remember when we were all starting our blogs? Do you remember the buzz of activity, the excitement, the feeling of unbridled potential? Do you remember presuming all bloggers were genuine and well-intentioned? Do you remember the moment you realized they are all real people, that the blogging community isn't the utopia you once dreamed but a reflection of the worlds we live in?

I went for a walk through Blogger the other day to see if I could recapture that feeling of wonder again. I want this to be the escape it once was. School is killing me. Work is making me restless and change abounds. Will I know the moment I go insane? Will I have any indication of a downward spiral or will I slip into it unknowingly?

1. Drugs
2. Alcohol
3. Sex

I got my first fillings today. That's right. I had a cavity. Whew... I feel so much better now that I've said it. I've gone 21 years without having a single one and always assumed I'd never have one because I take pretty decent care of my chompers. My downfall happens to be a bad habit of grinding my teeth while I sleep. I'm forced to wear a hideous, plastic night guard that makes me look like i'm on my way to a boxing match every night before I sleep.

I'm terribly self-conscious about this because, as it happens, I have a tendency to drool. A lot. Having a huge, honkin' piece of plastic in my mouth doesn't help. I literally have dreams of being in a swamp. Therefore, I probably don't wear my night guard as much as I should and will probably end up waking one morning to find I have no teeth left. This also causes me to have nightmares about waking in a swamp with no teeth.

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