The Death of Apology
     I killed contrition the other day. Casually ripped it's heart out, and tossed it, still beating, into the bushes. Really, it was a long time coming. I had become cold and callous towards it, and it would have died a slow death eventually, anyway. I always used it to benefit myself, never considering its consequence or value.
     "Ferchrissake. Why don't we just apologize to China, and get this over with?" After a few days of negotiation, our country would not bow down to China's demand for our admission of guilt in the emergency landing of a spy plane on Chinese soil. It seemed to me like both were being bullheaded, like kids arguing on the playground. Just say you're sorry, take your toys to your own part of the playground, and get over it. The implications of an apology didn't strike me as that important. China had custody of 24 people. Just say we're sorry and get them the hell out of there. Apology, D.O.A.
     "Don't you understand?" my dad would ask me. "It's not about just saying 'sorry' to get what we want. The repercussions of an apology would have a profound effect on political relations, not only with China, but with the entire world." Yeah, whatever, I'd think. But the more it tumbled around in my head, the more I began to wonder if perhaps I was approaching the whole subject from the wrong angle.
     I was suddenly face to face with a glaringly bad habit of mine. Over the years, I had nonchalantly tossed apologies left and right, congratulating myself on my ability to so easily swallow my pride. I'd make a mistake, own up and the misdeed was quickly forgotten. Only, it occurred to me that I was missing the point. Admission of guilt is a mark you make on yourself, as well as a promise not to make the same mistake again. I had been using it as a "Get Out of Jail, Free" card, not as a true sign of repentance.
     When evidence surfaced that proved the U.S. was not at fault for the emergency landing, I was thankful that I was not in charge. I would have made a fool out of us all. Looking back, I grimace at how foolish I must have been, cheaply throwing out empty apologies. For my past misdeeds that were forgiven after empty acts of contrition, I feel truly regretful. I will find that heart -- the meaning behind the apology -- still faintly beating, and place it back where it belongs.

Replies: 4 comments

I have all these thoughts in my head about this one, but it'll have to wait... Chris, SAY IT AIN"T SO!!! Boylog has closed down shop, sniff sniff....

Well, I'm happy you still have this one up- and personally, I like this format better... It feels more straight forward and personal- which was always my favorite thing about your other site anyway :). It's kind of like The gay Real World, and you're the star! Okay, I'll shut up now, because i think I'm scaring you...

will you still post all the back logs??

Posted by emmanuel @ 04/14/2001 02:44 AM MST

Yes, an apology must be made earnestly but only when one feels that it is justified. Because it is supposed to mean something.

Because it is building relationships. Not only with the recipient of the apology but with any one who might be witness to it (or hear about it through hearsay).

It is you creating who you are. It is always best not to make the mistake in the first place, but sometimes it is not a mistake on your part at all. And it is best to struggle with it first to know the difference until you can tell intuitively.

Just one man's opinion

Posted by John @ 04/14/2001 11:18 PM MST

I usually question the sincerity of an apology that seemed too easy or too quickly offered. When one has the courage of his/her convictions, that's a far more admirable trait ... and apologies are far more meaningful when they don't appear to be knee-jerk reactions to avoid confrontation. This is especially true in intimate emotional/sexual relationships (in my opinion/experience).

I've been angry and upset at times when someone has apologized to me because it was avoidance behavior. The apology made the situation worse in the long run.

As for the China situation, I think the people who are running this country (ie: Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice) handled the situation pretty well, much to my surprise (note the absence of the word "Bush" in that list of names).

And on a personal note, Chris, I'm not going to mourn the death of contrition because your writing has always been far more articulate, interesting and provocative in the longer "journal-like" format. Killing off that other site to concentrate on this site is a Good Thing.

Posted by Ron @ 04/15/2001 10:20 AM MST

Chris' you do show a different side on this site. Which was only partly seen on the 'boylog' site. But then that site had a more casual tone to it .As if just conversing with one of the boys at work , as the phrase goes ; ] . Perhaps not all is lost on the web after all.

Posted by martt @ 04/16/2001 07:24 PM MST

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