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Prideful Martyr
I spent a large portion of the weekend with my ex-boyfriend, Eric. We are making the fabled "let's be friends" attempt after breaking up in January and things seem to be going pretty well, despite the fact that I dislike him in many ways. My aversion to Eric is, however, completely unfounded; that is, I have no reason to dislike him, as he has been nothing but generous, kind, patient, and interested in me. Therefore, I've faced my own insecurities -- whatever they may be, since I haven't pinpointed them yet -- and have attempted to do the good thing. After all, he's made an effort to do so on his part.
After dinner and drinks with friends on Saturday night, we made a quick visit to the Hide & Seek where we danced and I watched several boys attempt, rather unsuccessfully, to pick him up. Although I claim to be fully past our relationship, part of me seethes with jealousy when I notice any interest from him in someone else, or vice versa. Perhaps it's male instinct rearing its ugly head. Maybe it's my anger at not being hit on. In any event, I played it off, and feigned happiness for his popularity.
Sunday found Eric and me walking the dogs in Bear Creek Park -- an activity I've wanted to do with Sumo for a while now. It was a good walk, and conversation was plentiful. We talked about virutally everything, from pet care to dating interests, from new technology to simply being lonely. I felt a connection developing. A few points during the hike, I even visualized a passionate convalescence in which previous misdeeds were disavowed and we were reunited in an embrace, followed by the inevitable, movie-screen kiss. Eventually, one action or word would eliminate that fantasy and jerk me back into reality, confused and annoyed.
Looking back on the weekend, I did have a good time. Rather than analyze the reasons behind my bęte-noir, however, I've come to understand that I can put judgement aside, accept other people, and enjoy their company. I realize that I may not find Eric palatable as a boyfriend, but that by accepting him for who he is, and even accepting the things I dislike about him, I may be able to like him as a human being and he may be able to do the same for me. Only time will tell, but we may have honestly and simply found a way to make this aftermath-friendship work.
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