Chrisonomicon

Tuesday, April 17, 2001

It must be the chill humidity, the smell of grass, and my aftershave moisturizer that brought memories of Germany rushing back into my head. My feet fell lightly on the moist grass as I walked Sumo out back for his morning outing. It felt like my first day in Berlin. I realized it wasn't only the smell of the air that took me back, but my whole being ? the state of my entire body ? that reminded me of that day. Is it possible to experience an entire moment over again? The sight, smell, sound, feeling, and taste of the air? I tried not to let it weigh heavy on my mind, and just allowed to moment to be experienced before it vaporized into the misty sky.

My memory of Berlin is so clean. West Berlin, I should say. I, on the other hand, do not feel clean, despite my morning shower and freshly laundered clothes. Unlike Brent, I haven't felt clean in a very long time. My schedule is tired and begs for spontaneity and newness. I make these small attempts at renewing interests on the side, here and there, but until I truly have time for myself, I won't feel Berlin-clean. I haven't been to the gym in over a month, and my hair is getting shaggy. Physically, mentally, and creatively, I feel soiled.

I'm predicting the breaking point of all this will be my graduation (31 days from today, and counting). I will rejoin the gym, start really working and saving money, travel a bit, and spend more time with my friends. I kick myself, because these are all things I could do right now, but for some reason, I just can't pull it together. No matter what I do, I can't seem to motivate myself. Instead, I sit in this chair and stare at this purple screen and write about it. I paint about it. I casual-sex about it. I promise that if I just make it through these next four weeks, I will start being better to myself.