Chrisonomicon

Friday, April 13, 2001

I killed contrition the other day. Casually ripped it's heart out, and tossed it, still beating, into the bushes. Really, it was a long time coming. I had become cold and callous towards it, and it would have died a slow death eventually, anyway. I always used it to benefit myself, never considering its consequence or value.

"Ferchrissake. Why don't we just apologize to China, and get this over with?" After a few days of negotiation, our country would not bow down to China's demand for our admission of guilt in the emergency landing of a spy plane on Chinese soil. It seemed to me like both were being bullheaded, like kids arguing on the playground. Just say you're sorry, take your toys to your own part of the playground, and get over it. The implications of an apology didn't strike me as that important. China had custody of 24 people. Just say we're sorry and get them the hell out of there. Apology, D.O.A.

"Don't you understand?" my dad would ask me. "It's not about just saying 'sorry' to get what we want. The repercussions of an apology would have a profound effect on political relations, not only with China, but with the entire world." Yeah, whatever, I'd think. But the more it tumbled around in my head, the more I began to wonder if perhaps I was approaching the whole subject from the wrong angle.

I was suddenly face to face with a glaringly bad habit of mine. Over the years, I had nonchalantly tossed apologies left and right, congratulating myself on my ability to so easily swallow my pride. I'd make a mistake, own up and the misdeed was quickly forgotten. Only, it occurred to me that I was missing the point. Admission of guilt is a mark you make on yourself, as well as a promise not to make the same mistake again. I had been using it as a "Get Out of Jail, Free" card, not as a true sign of repentance.

When evidence surfaced that proved the U.S. was not at fault for the emergency landing, I was thankful that I was not in charge. I would have made a fool out of us all. Looking back, I grimace at how foolish I must have been, cheaply throwing out empty apologies. For my past misdeeds that were forgiven after empty acts of contrition, I feel truly regretful. I will find that heart ? the meaning behind the apology ? still faintly beating, and place it back where it belongs.