Chrisonomicon

Thursday, April 12, 2001

Eric ? my most recent ex ? called me tonight. It was completely unexpected, but I humored him and we chatted for a while. I felt rather obligated to talk to him, since he's been making an attempt to keep in touch, and has left me email and voicemail, both remaining unresponded in their respective inboxes. I just don't know what to make of his interest. He seems genuinely concerned about me and my life, despite all my attempts to discretely slip through the knots that hold us together. My friend, Amy, asked if perhaps he was still interested in me. I'd have to discount that theory. After all, I've dated a few guys since we've broken up and all my talk about new, fabulous men seems only to encourage him more.

One of those new men is Matt, who I've known for the past few years. Meeting at school gathering, we've since run into each other several times on campus, each time saying "Hello," and making small chat. Last weekend was his birthday, and he decided to party it off at the local bar. We ran into each other, quite coincidentally.

"I've been working up the courage to ask you out for the past two years," I said, drink in hand. Looking back, I wonder if I had been slurring. His surprise made me smile, and we set the date for the very next evening. The alcohol had done its job well.

The sun was setting as I drove up to the school library where he was studying, evening rays finding his face through tinted windows as I walked by the front of the building. I waved. We walked down to Poor Richard's and ate -- spinich lasagne for me, ministrone for him. We talked until the cooling night goosebumped us back inside. Matt talks a lot, but is a good conversationalist. He's very interested in eastern philosophy and buddhist meditation, which intrigues me to no end, and I would love to learn more about both. As the week progressed, we met on campus and had lunch and later coffee. He even convinced me to sign up for Outward Bound this summer, a 10-day mountaineering and wilderness course.

As I've gotten to know him, I've questioned the quality of my interest in him. He is a great friend, but we also have a sexual spark that I can't ignore. The problem is I don't see a long-term possibility between us and can't bring myself to push the envelope as far as developing a romantic relationship with him. I know he's interested. That is making me feel a bit stressed, because I don't want to lead him on until I'm more comfortable with my own feelings, but I can sense him probing me for reciprocation. He's very sensitive and sweet, and I don't want to hurt him.

Is it possible to go into a relationship unbiasedly? I try to leave all past experiences at the door (while retaining the lessons), but always end up imagining how the relationship will end. I feel like Gillian Anderson's character in Playing By Heart, believing all relationships will end painfully. I've never been heartbroken, myself, but I've been in enough to know that when it comes to relationships, I'm like a bull in a china shop. I can't bear even the thought of hurting someone's feelings, so I think I've developed this resistance to starting relationships in the first place. Being sensitive and being a guy can be a bad combination.