Chrisonomicon

Monday, April 9, 2001

It was straight out of the Celestine Prophecy. One minute, I was nearly asleep in our weekly staff meeting, surrounded by incessant technobabble and acronyms I didn?t understand; the next, I was inundated by a strange energy that seemed to pour into me. It was a moment that made me reconsider myself as a piece in this chess-like world we call corporate life.

To say I?ve been "making an effort" to fit into this corporate sea I?ve thrown myself into would be an understatement. I?ve toiled laborously to adopt an image appropriate for this job. The car, the clothes, the feigned politeness and superfluous interest I?ve taken in my coworkers are all for the image. At some point, my practiced attempt became habit, and a new persona was born. It?s a shoddily crafted mask that almost reminds me of a prop from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre set. Sometimes I feel they can see right through it. I sense it through the gaps in their smiles and in the pauses that follow their questions.

The meeting began as all meetings do: with coffee and doughnuts. We sat around the conference room table, chit-chatted about the weather and weekend events. This morning, my mask was a collection of actions I had observed other coworkers performing. I took a doughnut. Crossed my legs. I ate with a strained look of indifference on my face, and yawned when I was finished. I re-crossed my legs. Sleepily, I gazed out the windows. The sleepiness wasn?t pretend.

Updates and plans for the week oozed by like a river of gravy. In an attempt to keep myself awake, I performed the same routine of memorized actions in random order, inserting nods and thoughtful facial expressions at appropriate times. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I was at a point where it would have been safe to declare me medically braindead. Somehow, a few words slipped by my conscious and he masked persona suddenly rared to life.

"Why don?t we just go to the post office and tell them to print us a batch Code-93 labels?"

I blinked. Did those words just come out of my mouth? A sudden swell of laughter erupted about the room, loud and spontaneous. It continued, too, as though I had just uttered the epitome of hilarity. I quickly decided they weren?t laughing at me, but rather at what I said, and yet I couldn?t figure out why it was so funny. Was my corporate personality trying to be funny, or was it an honest question? I didn?t know.

The remarkable part of the event wasn?t the reflex response, or the immaculate timing; it was the strange swell of energy I suddenly experienced. It poured from their laughing mouthes into my head and filled my sinuses, gushed down into my chest and torso. It wasn?t a swell of pride or satisfaction, as you might theorize, for I had no expectations or plans to be proud or satisfied of. It was a completely random remark that brought the entire room?s attention on me ? something that would normally freak the hell out of me ? and the experience left me breathless.

I have often thought back to my reading of The Celestine Prophecy, back in high school. It was a book that I always discounted as bizarre and rather silly. However, to my suprise, I started to consider the ideas it presented. Before my quip, I was drained, mentally and physically, trying to focus my attention on everyone else in the room. As soon as the attention shifted, I felt a physical surge of alertness and energy.

To many, this may seem like another fantastic daydream of mine. But what if believing in such fantastic ideas is what helps us through difficult times? The stories of religion and children?s fairy tales come to mind. Perhaps the reason my mind is even considering a supernatural explanation is because it needs fodder to survive in this creatively desolate place. In any case, the event made me rethink my plans to scrap the corporate path. I might just be able to do this. Granted, I don?t like the idea of putting on face to succeed, but if I remain objective, perhaps I can learn a few things from this new persona.