Chrisonomicon

Monday, March 19, 2001

I?ve done it. I don?t know how I managed to pull myself together after the hell I?ve gone through these past few weeks, but I?ve done it. Looking back, I suppose I shouldn?t have worried about it, since -- after all -- I?ve never fully lost all control of my life. Either way, my engine is back on the tracks and is pointed in the right direction. It feels good. Real good.

My compiler project is really the only ball and chain I have to deal with right now, since work and my other classes have really stepped aside to let me focus on it. I?ve temporarily shut down my other website and have stopped going out on the weekend; two major time-consuming activities in my life. There is one other activity that seems to have filled the rest of my free-time, but it?s of a more personal nature (and if you can gather what that activity is from such a vague description, you?re more of a pervert than I am).

I?ve pretty much lost contact with the outside world, including many of my friends, and I?m hoping that this temporary estrangement I?ve imposed on myself is a good idea. After all, being unsocial can become a bad habit; I know, because I?ve lived it. Other than my father and Sumo, I?ve been keeping to myself, and I think that was a stalwart in picking my life up off the floor. This, of course, means virtually no dating has taken place over the course of the past few months, and the quiet on the love front has been nice, but distracting.

I suppose I should document a small scare I had last week concerning a certain VD. After a brief, relatively anonymous encounter with a boy I met from Los Angeles, I came down with a cold and quickly noticed a small abnormality where one certainly shouldn?t be. Looking up several informative sites on the internet turned up a novice diagnosis of what could only be an STD. I was horrified, needless to say.

In the course of a few hours, I had not only looked up support groups and dating services, I had also scheduled an appointment with my physician to have it checked out. I was determined to accept my misfortune as a hand dealt by fate for some greater purpose. I believe I went through all stages of grief in a matter of forty-seven minutes. After registering with several sites and finding a few potential people to talk to about my newfound "problem," I went to bed thinking my life, as I knew it, was changed forever.

The doctor?s office was empty, and I was admitted as soon as I stepped into the waiting room. Relieved, I spilled my guts and dropped my shorts. No doubt my doctor was taken by suprise that I had done so much research and was resolute in my acceptance of this disease. He took a brief look at the goods, and quickly denouced my claim. It was not an STD.

"What do you mean, it?s not?" I asked, almost defiantly. "Are you sure?" He nonchalantly scribbled in my records and cleaned up, noting that my "abnormality" was a common irritation and would disappear in less than 24 hours. I stood there with my mouth open. Wait a second, I thought to myself, I should be relieved.

As I walked out to my car to return to the world of paychecks and networked computers, I couldn?t help but feel disappointedly happy. I was disappointed that I had gone through all that torment and frustration and pain, only to come to accepting something that was completely imaginary. I was happy, of course, to realize that I was -- indeed -- clean and undamaged. I burst out into a fit of laughter, followed quickly by an outburst of tears. I came so close to throwing everything away for a few minutes of pleasure. So close.

It?s scary to think where that road may have taken me, but at this point, I have my engine pointed in the right direction, and it?s time to see where it will take me. No looking back. This time, I have a good lesson tucked under my belt. I know how to avoid being derailed by this monster in the future. Now, let?s see if I can use that knowledge to my advantage.