Chrisonomicon

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

The first thing to understand about the universe is that no condition is ?good? or ?bad.? It just is. So stop making value judgments.
?Neale Donald Walsch, "Conversations with God"

It was threatening to snow when I woke up this morning and I fishtailed all over the road driving to work. Is it healthy to keep wondering if you?re going to die during your commute every day? Fortunately, I arrived with relative ease after making my way onto the interstate. I parked in the back of the lot as usual ? a consequence of always arriving an hour later than everyone else ? and trudged against the wind that sweeps down the Rocky Mountains to the west like a skeleton racer winding down the ice track at 80 miles per hour.

This stress that has built up over the past week pulls on my shoulders, even more than my lead-weight gym bag, slung over my chest. Two chapters behind in my project management class, two papers due today, a project due on Friday. Design document due at the end of the month, business trip to Dallas. Groceries to be bought, car to be cleaned. Drew on the line ? I can?t start this, I don?t know what made me think I could manage another long distance relationship ? and friends getting pushed to the sidelines.

A deep breath. I relax my shoulders. I force a smile. It feels like a step in the right direction, but it doesn?t change a thing.

In a drive-home analysis from work last night, I picture my life swinging from two extreme phases. There is a build-up phase where I accumulate all sorts of activities, garbage, and preoccupations. The house becomes cluttered, my reading falls to the side, I am outwardly focused. Then a holding period where I plateau and start to reflect. This is followed by a clean-up phase, where I correct and pickup the pieces of my life that I?ve let fall away. Then a holding period where I?m able to maintain this organization. I?m fully aware of myself, isolated, inwardly focused.

I think I will have achieved growth and success if I can somehow manage to merge these four phases into a continual period of balance.