Chrisonomicon

Monday, January 8, 2001

"I don't know," Nick said. "Right now, I'm happy just being where I'm at... and being able to sleep a lot."

The sun reflected off the right side of his face, over his shoulder, his crossed arms. Letting out a slow breath, the stress and worries of late seemed to lighten with a simple exhale and I though that I could very easily lose myself in the soft variations of light cascading around us. For a moment, I let go of my drive to do everything at once. I let go of the hope that enlightenment would turn out to be like instant coffee.

Life has gotten me down recently. I've been caught up in so many little problems that I unintentionally create for myself. Maybe if I started taking myself a little less seriously I'd be able to relax a little and just enjoy the moment. The reflex to maintain control and dignity at all times has seriously undermined my ability to enjoy myself on even the simplest occasions. It's even inhibited my ability to maintain a decent romantic relationship.

"See ya later," I called over my shoulder as I walked away. I waved goodbye and felt the sunlight through the large windows of the Annex resting on my back. I lost myself in the moment. Instead of worrying so much about the future, about the judgements of others, about the harsh judge in my own head, perhaps I would let go this time. And with this release, perhaps I would gain a bit of sanity and contentment.