Chrisonomicon

Thursday, November 2, 2000

I was eighteen when my parents divorced. It wasn't a big deal since they had bickered, fought, bitched and argued for longer than anyone wanted to tolerate, and so we were all happy once it was over.

Four years later, I am still wondering if my relationships in life are destined for the same fate. I have trouble developing lasting bonds with other people. The longest relationship I've been in to date is the one I'm in right now and it seems to be on the downhill slide. Have I just been unlucky? Do I suffer from the effects of living a life of failed relationships?

Looking back on my short-lived dating life, I realize that I've darted from one relationship to another, never really going anywhere, never really knowing what I was looking for. I'm sure that's natural for someone my age. The more it happens, however, the more worried I begin to feel.

One of my bad habits is a tendency to break up with someone before anything serious develops. My friend Dave tells me I'm only in it for the chase and that once I get what I'm after, I lose interest. We all want what we can't have.

Then again, perhaps my ideas of successful relationships are wrong. We have been conditioned to put the monogamous relationship on a pedastal. Maybe success can be redefined by the individual, but I want a committed relationship, both sexual and social committment. A lot of people believe this type of traditional committment is unnecessary for "success" and perhaps this is my youthful idealism raring its ugly head, but I think that gay men are capable of having successfully monogamous relationships and that it's something worth striving for.

A sense of urgency set in a few years ago and I carry it to this day; although I'm only 21 and should have quite a while to figure things out, I feel as though I'm losing time. I know I can't hurry love. No, I'll just have to wait. But I want to fall in love with someone who can know me as I am now. As I age, I see pieces of myself melting away—my idealism, naivete, wonder, honesty.

Perhaps this self-centered nature is my downfall. And I'd hope to see my path with an objective eye if that is the case, to know if the blame lies with me, to know exactly where and why I fuck up and know what I can do to fix it. Sometimes the overwhelming implications of cultural and social conditioning make me believe that ignorance is bliss. But, who ever wanted ignorance?