Chrisonomicon

Monday, October 7, 2002

Trust seems to be the issue on more than one mind lately—mine especially considering the events of the past few weeks—and I was discussing the topic with a friend, explaining some of the conclusions I've come to, when I realized that I had really made some significant strides in gaining some insight to my feelings and motives these past two weeks.

The problems I've had trusting M seem mostly to stem from my own dishonesty in past relationships—not saying what I meant, deceiving to keep the peace, and simply not being trustworthy with my feelings—and it has been coloring the way I've received M's words, precluding sensible courses of action when encountered with superficially troubling news.

I didn't trust him to come right out and say how he was feeling or what he really meant, or even act in a way that appropriately reflected his motives. I expected him to be somewhat dishonest in order to be polite, and took it upon myself to read into his words and actions so that I could discover the "real truth". I pictured myself in his shoes, asking, "What would I really mean if I had said this to him?" and "If I acted the way he's acting now, what would I really be trying to tell him?"

It's taken me a while to understand that he might have simply been honest with me because I was always raised to subtly hint at things if I found them unpleasant or unacceptable so as not to seem impolite. If someone wanted to accompany me somewhere and I preferred to go alone, I'd say something like, "It would be boring." If I was doing something I didn't like, I'd grin and bear it. I've even said, "I love you," to get someone off my back.

It's hard not to transfer your motives onto someone else's actions. It's hard not to judge. And it's hard to break habits that you've lived with for so long that they've become a part of who you are. It's worth working on to make something good succeed, though. And I'm definitely working on it.