Chrisonomicon

Monday, April 15, 2002

It was getting late on Saturday night and I was staying in, imagining Chris out and about with friends, when I got his message on my phone.

"I have a hickey!"

It took me a minute to work this out in my head and I did a few retakes of the message, reading it over and over again, my mind conjuring a million different images of him at the bar with someone all over him. The first question that came to mind was why he was telling me in the first place. Did he feel guilty? Was he preparing me for the next time we'd see each other? Was he trying to hint at something?

I reflected back on yesterday's notes regarding backing off and letting things cool down a bit because we had rushed on rather fiercely and decided I would let this issue slide. After all, why shouldn't we be free to date or spend time with other people? I was the one advocating casual dating. I decided not to be a hypocrite and wrote him back a short note saying it sounded like he was having fun and that I'd talk to him in the morning.

Sleeping on it, however, did not prove a panacea to my reservations and I set off for work with a heavy mind and a twisted, sour feeling in my gut. I really liked Chris, and this seemed to make it pretty clear in my head that he didn't feel the same way or at least not as strongly. I worked through the day in a half-daze, and chatted briefly on the phone with Chris to solidify our rendezvous plans later on that evening.

When we met at the agreed-upon greasy-spoon diner in the northern part of the city, I regarded him cooly although it was difficult to cover up my elation at seeing him again. He was his usual cheerful self and acted no differently than he had been the past week, which I found rather odd considering the events of the past night that I'd been simmering in all day.

He proceeded to detail the night and when he came to the part about his friends asking about the hickey on his neck (which was barely visible, denoted by a definite area of pinkness under his left ear), I listened with a feigned sense of mild amusement and disinterest to indicate my casualness about the situation, but I suddenly grew very nervous. There was something in the way he was telling me about it, however, that confused me. It was almost as though he were bringing up a private joke between us. And that's when it hit me.

The hickey was from me. Shocked by this epiphany, I didn't really know what to say and Chris continued without noticing my expression. When I finally explained what I had been thinking, he apologized profusely and said I must have been thinking he was a total asshole. The cloud over my head dissipated. We shared a few awkward laughs and joked about it for a while, but eventually the converstaion steered back to normal course and that warm affection I had been feeling for him all week returned.

I've been getting in the way of myself lately. I'm glad I didn't react badly to the situation but at the same time I wonder what insecurities and past experiences have led me to this course of thinking. I had always wanted to be the sort of person who can give someone the benefit of the doubt before judging or making rash decisions. I hope that writing it down here is a first step.