Chrisonomicon

Saturday, April 13, 2002

I was mentally berating myself for taking the second job as I drove down the interstate at 9 a.m. this morning, while Chris lay sleeping some 60 miles away. Dinner at P.F. Chang's, meeting Chris' friends, a birthday party at JR's and the Wave, and an I-said-I-wouldn't-drink-but-what-the-hell evening all made for a good 4 hours of sleep and a long drive to work. The day went fairly quickly, however. It always seems to go faster on caffeine and during periods of high customer traffic, but here I am after what seems like a never-ending, exhausting day.

It was date three and those doubts are creeping into my head, whispering of how long distance relationships don't work and how he's too this or too that or doesn't do this or that right. I should be used to it because it happens to every single guy I date but recently I've started to become pretty convinced that the problem isn't with the guys I'm dating but a problem with me. Perfectionist? Elitist? Whatever. I've pretty much made up my mind to just go with the flow and not let my doubts get in the way of letting the dating play out.

Chris and I talked about some of these things last night and the fact that we'll be separated for over a month while I'm out of the country and he's in another state, but I think we're both in agreement that we'd like to see where things go by giving it a little more time and not making a breaking decision right now.

I had always complained about how gay men have forgotten how to casually date. No commitment, no expectations, just friendly, casual dating. Getting to know one another. And here I am worrying about when I'll get to see him next, telling him it would bother me if we started seeing other people, and really just pushing this beyond a casual dating scenario into a more serious dating relationship despite our brief, three weeks of getting to know one another. I keep thinking I ought to back off a bit, but I'm afraid he'll take that as a sign of waning interest.

Speaking of dating other people, Mike, an acquaintance that I had been interested in for over a year, showed up at the Wave last night and asked if I was single and proceeded to give me his contact information. I told him I was dating someone else at the moment but that he should give it to me anyway and we'd talk. I suppose I did it partially to prove to myself that I need to back off with Chris and feel free to date other people, but another part of me really wanted to contemplate the implications of going on a date with this guy.

Sometimes I wonder if we sometimes set ourselves up for failure despite our best efforts to steer things towards the best possible outcome. In this case, I'd like simply to do nothing about my situation with Chris and with my job and with dating and that way I wouldn't fuck things up, but I know growth or progress would never occur without the occasional failure. Therefore, I suppose I ought to prepare myself for either outcome.