Chrisonomicon

Wednesday, August 23, 2000

I know I said I'd try to avoid clichés but it is such a good reflection of my life right now. I am constantly complaining about not having a boyfriend (or any love interest, for that matter) and I think all my nagging pisses off the fates, who toss me random boys left and right to shut me up. It would be a likely conclusion after examining the cycles my life goes through.

Kurt and I have been together now for two months, give or take, and things seem to be going fairly well. The key word here is "seem," as appearances are deceiving. I'm unhappy because I never get to see him due to his military status.

Today, I talked to one of my friends, Will, who I've known for a while and, admittedly, have crushed on since last semester. Will is cute. Will is sweet. I want to hang out with Will, and Will wants the same, if you catch my drift. Then, Kurt's face appears somewhere in the back of my head. You know the part, the one that dreams of white picket fences and believes in gay marriage.

I hate this because I don't want to choose. Choosing implies judgement and judgement—in these cases—ultimately implies that someone is going to get hurt. I hate that. I thought I knew what I was looking for in another guy and right when I'm sure of what I want, I turn around and get smacked upside the head with something else.

I can be a player. Or, I can say no to Will, and wait to see if Kurt is as committed to us despite his military career. Or, I can bank on a feeling I have that Kurt isn't, and see where this thing with Will goes. Or, I can join a monastery. And believe me, that monastery is looking mighty good right about now.