Chrisonomicon

Monday, August 28, 2000

Does one kiss make me a bad person? I kissed Will last night.

It happened in the car after drinking three pitchers of beer and I know that's no excuse because I've always been a strong believer in the idea that you can control your actions no matter how fucked up you are, but it certainly lowered my inhibitions. It wasn't very long, maybe 15 seconds. My hand reached for the doorhandle, mid-kiss, and with a quick goodbye, I bolted. I left him in the car looking somewhat confused and in a window reflection, I watched his tail lights as he sped away.

Running up the steps of my apartment, my breath came in short, forced gasps. I shut the door behind me and fell against it. Tears surged forward, but I bit them back. I had to do something. I had to talk to Kurt. I threw off my jacket and stumbled over to my computer.

What the hell am I gonna say? I thought. Then another voice in my head responded: Don't write him now, you're drunk. It's going to come out all wrong.I punched out a quick email ignoring the noise in my head and the spinning room. I wanted the email to hit him hard, shake him and make him realize that I'm waiting for him. I wanted him to know how I went out with Will and secretly pretended he was Kurt. I wanted him to realize that HEY! I have people who want to get with me, but I'm turning them down because I think I'm in love with him.

My hand shook as I cautiously held the cursor over the "Send" button and closed my eyes. A million fears were running through my head like a stampede of three-year-olds. What if he freaks out? What if he gets scared? What if I never see him again? What if he laughs at this? Fuck it. This is the way I feel and I'm going to tell him because I'm sick and tired of playing these games.

Click.