Chrisonomicon

Wednesday, August 30, 2000

Two days. No word from Kurt.

I spent Monday night with Will talking things out. I don't really think it helped any because Will isn't the type of person who talks things out but rather ignores problems and hopes they'll go away. He sat on my bed for a good hour while we made chit-chat. I felt like a shrink.

"So, you know things between us can't work out." I watched him look around the room, avoiding all possible eye contact. A long pause.

"Yeah," he replied, softly.

"I have a boyfriend. You have a boyfriend..."

"Yeah."

The whole reason I had spent the weekend with him was because he needed a friend to talk to after a fight with his boyfriend of some number of years. They broke up, supposedly. And thus, the kiss between us. Now the only problem was, neither of us was truly available, so airing out what happened was a necessary step in order for us to remain friends. Could we even be friends after what happened? That line had been crossed and now we sat across from each other like shy first-graders, digging our toes into the ground.

"What do you want?" I asked him. Again, he paused for a small eternity.

"I don't know what I want, that's the problem," he said, glancing at me for a split second and then looking away.

"Because I'll tell you what you want. You want to pursue this thing with me, while maintaining the security of the relationship you currently have." I felt like I was lecturing myself. "You can't do that, you know."

"Yeah, I know," came the whisper.

Here I was, sitting and telling Will how it was and it dawned on me that I wasn't only referring to his situation but mine as well. I twas like talking into a mirror. I knew what the situation was and I knew what I had to do, I just needed to talk it out. We made our goodbyes and I told him I'd call later on in the week. Then, I went to bed.

I wonder if I've pushed Kurt away because of this. I know he's busy, but when you go from talking to someone every day to not hearing from them in a week, your mind starts to make things up. I've slowly started to let it go and maybe that's a bad thing, but I really need to be focusing on other things anyway, like school, for instance. It's my last year and after I graduate in May, I keep thinking that these things will be easier to maintain. I hope they will be, at least.