Chrisonomicon

Tuesday, October 30, 2001

Yesterday stretches behind me like a tense cord of muscle threatening to pull me back into an entire day of viscous anxiety. I made an offer on a house last night. Looking over my shoulder, it wasn't all that bad, but I had been skeptical about buying property from the start and, although I loved the place, I'm just not sure I'm ready for the commitment. The offer fell through this morning; a scalpel cutting through the tendons connecting me to yesterday. Bittersweet relief and disappointment ensued because part of me wanted the place--wanted a new start--and that part of me knows I'm ready for the challenge and burden.

I'm not a big champion of fate but I wonder if my indecision or evasiveness steered the deal down a road I knew I wouldn't be able to take. My mom says things work themselves out for the better. I can take a modicum of comfort in that. But the journey to The Better is always what torments us, and don't they say that life is the journey? Along this part of the journey, I've learned a few do's-and-don't's and the next offer I make will be smarter, better. Perhaps this is The Better my mom refers to: the self-improvement that comes with learning, not only from good experiences, but disappointing ones as well. From this we should learn to cherish all experiences, objectively. It's a self-sufficient cycle.