Chrisonomicon

Wednesday, October 3, 2001

I signed up to write a novel for National Novel Writing Month last week, but am seriously reconsidering it after reading Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet." Specifically:

"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple 'I must,' then build your life in accordance..."

I have done what Rilke instructs. I have gone inside myself and asked whether every word has been born of an inner necessity, and the answer is simply, "No." I write because I enjoy practicing my ability to create, and ? most of all ? I use it as a tool to build myself from the ground up, to see where I've come from, to remember, and to observe my progress. That's it. I think the only reason I ever got it in my head that I should write a novel was the persistent push from Jeff to "put my talents to work." I'm sure the urge to write will come at some point in my life, but it's not there now and I'm not going to force it.

The first day (or, technically, "night") of class went pretty well. I misread my schedule and thought my class started at 5, when it actually started at 8, and ended up going to the school and turning around to come home. Which was a good thing because I managed to buy Barry's birthday present, cook dinner and whip out a painting in the betweentime. Then I re-drove myself to school and made myself comfortable in the front row of the class so I would be unable to cruise, which is a distracting habit of mine. I figure I'm in Graduate School now, and need to be focused on school, rather than arm-wrestling my hormones. Despite my efforts ? and I don't know how I did it ? I somehow managed to pick out three cute guys in the first five minutes of class without even turning around. One of them is gay (black mules, tight Armani pants, short crew-cut hair... you do the math). Ever on the prowl.

And that's not really the case, either. Sex has been the last thing on my mind lately, and I've had no desire to date or even to meet new guys. I have dated but more out of habit than want. The idea of not dating at all has crossed my mind, but it's hard to let people down like that. I know that sounds really bigheaded. The two guys I've met are great, and I've had fun spending time with both of them (nothing but respectable, polite, peck-on-the-cheek-goodnight dates), but they both are interested in pursuing something more and I'm simply not interested. I think I'm hesitant, because this is such an unusual situation for me. Some part of me keeps thinking I'm going to turn around and suddenly be interested any day now, so I need to keep dating until I am. The majority of my brain is thinking not.

I'm going to Houston this weekend. It's sort of my last vacation before I have to fully delve into my schoolwork and I'm really looking forward to it. Hopefully, I'll be able to hang out a bit with John while I'm down there. Nothing but polite and respectable.